2020: A reflection
It has been exactly a year since I wrote here last and despite my best intentions, I haven’t been able to bring myself to type anything. The first reason is possibly because my last blog post has aged like milk.
2020 - New year, new me?
To be clear, I will be staying up tomorrow night to watch 2019 die.
I’ve read it once or twice this year and I’ll be honest… it still makes me shudder to think what was to happen so soon after writing a well intentioned blog. That said, I’m trying to not feel so deflated about my renewed optimism. 2019 had been a truly awful year and like many people, I pinned my hopes on the hands turning twelve at midnight and I wished 2019 away.
The other reason I haven’t been able to bring myself to write anything is because I have been wary of writing anything potentially insensitive or crass. I’m aware some people may read this and scoff that this is trivial in comparison to the larger issues at hand - I haven’t worked on the frontline of the pandemic and I am lucky to have a roof over my head. Even if this isn’t revolutionary writing, I want to start writing again and I think processing this year is my first step. I’ve decided to set a very achievable and happy New Year’s resolution this year. I want to start blogging again and in this uncertain climate, I feel like this is an achievable goal - no plans to travel the world yet. I’m not sure what I’ll write about, but I’m aiming to produce something at least every four to six weeks.
For now, here is my breakdown of a year I will never forget…
Pre-lockdown 2020
Despite high hopes for 2020, the year started the same way that 2019 began. Almost a year to my Grandad’s passing, Nan couldn’t keep on living without him and deteriorated very quickly in the new year. Again I was bulldozed by this enormous wave of grief and yet, it was so different to the last. There was some relief in knowing that Nan was no longer so unhappy living without Grandad, but this time we were faced with the task of emptying their home of 13 years and leaving a place we all loved for the last time.
Inside the chasm of time between my Nan’s passing and the funeral, there were snippets of positivity. As we were clearing Nan and Grandad’s home, I came across Nan’s diary from 1948. Hearing the words of my fifteen year old Nan were so comforting and it inspired me to keep my own diary. For everyday this year, I have written a diary entry and what a year to start! I started a 5 year diary, where you can compare the day each year - eventually I’ll write about 2020 through to 2024. Another discovery was finding my Nan’s paintings and drawings. Suddenly I was pulled back to those many holidays together, where we would sit and paint the landscape. I felt myself pulled towards drawing again, but I wondered where I would find the time. Oh blessed naivety.
On Valentine’s Day, Nan’s funeral took place and finally Nan and Grandad were laid to rest together. For as long as I can remember, I had always dreaded this day, but little did I know that I would be so grateful that Nan didn’t have to live through the pandemic and how lucky we were to be able to say goodbye to her with all of her family and friends.
The following week was half-term and David and I spent five days in Paris. After Grandad’s passing, I had no option, but to keep working, but this time, I knew I needed sometime away. The trip was a blessing. We saw went to so many sites and museums, we ate authentic French food and absorbed ourselves in the culture. We had only been to Paris on school trips and seeing it as adults, we were blown away by the beauty and history of the city. We worked hard to see as many things as possible, but know there is plenty more to see on a return trip.
The following weeks were consumed with work and adapting to a new normal. In the news, talk of a virus was becoming a feature in each news story. Many said that it wouldn’t develop into a pandemic and almost overnight, it was what we had feared. Working in six different schools in the local area, I was starting to hear whispers that they were planning on closing early before the Easter holidays. Thursday 12th March was the day that I realised that things were starting to become really serious. I hoped that we would make it to the end of term and I hoped that we make it through The Merry Widow run. Neither happened and we were shut down on the dress rehearsal of the show.
The week before Boris Johnson’s announcement that the country was to go into lockdown was about damage control. My work was being cancelled left, right and centre and I was panicking over how many lessons I owed to students. I tried to teach as much as I physically could in that final week and then I had to make the decision whether to stay south or go north. Rumours of a lockdown were circulating and I figured I would like to spend it with David. After all, it wouldn’t be for long.
On Friday 20th March I headed to Harrogate at lightning speed, listening to the radio of stories of people losing their livelihoods overnight. I cried as I listened to them, knowing their story was similar to mine - building something for years, only to see it demolished overnight.
Lockdown vol. 1
As the four of us crowded around the television on Monday 23rd March, we all knew that this would be a moment would remember for the rest of our lives. Suddenly our right to go wherever we wanted and see whoever we wanted was removed overnight. Three weeks they said. We knew that it would be at least six, but I didn't anticipate that it would be the middle of July until I was to return to sunny Luton. When I look at my diary during this period, each day is very similar to the day before. A lot of lay-ins, permitted daily walks, film bingeing, attempts at German which would either end in confusion or a squabble and let’s not forget the practice sessions that would ultimately end in frustration. David and Robert wrote the international hit ‘Lockdown Love’ and I found myself with enough time to start painting again. After wishing for some time to do this back in January, I had no idea how much time I would eventually be given…
Work wise, I went from over fifty students to around eighteen and all future performances were cancelled for the foreseeable future. It was my original intention to reduce my teaching in preparation for music college, but I had no idea that I would never see the majority of my students ever again. I had been a peripatetic teacher for five years and had taught some of those students for that exact amount of time, only to never say goodbye. Whilst I have made many comments about being fed up of Zoom, it truly has been a blessing as I was able to prop up some business online. I was also lucky enough to receive some SEISS funding, but it was by no means what I had anticipated as my contracted work was discounted, despite paying tax on it. After submitting a very healthy 2019-2020 tax return, it became apparent that I would have to use my SEISS payments to pay that tax bill. 2020 has truly been the year that just keeps on giving…
The Summer
In the summer we hoped that our sacrifices had been enough and that life would start to look more normal. In the summer we had glimpses of this. Meeting family and friends, going to the pub and we even managed to escape to the Isle of Islay for ten days and explored local islands and mainland Scotland. It was starting to become apparent that my first term at Trinity was going to look very different to the one I originally imagined, but for the first time in a long time, I was beginning to feel excited about doing something new and meeting new people. The amount of time that I had spare turned out to be a blessing as I was able to spend most days writing to bursaries and benefactors for help in funding my postgraduate. I am overwhelmed by the generosity of people and somehow I have managed to raise almost all of the money for both years of masters. The summer was… good… and some of my best memories from 2020 have been from the summer. Things seemed to be improving and both Mum and Dad and Esther had decided to make big step and move house. Change was coming, but in ways I couldn’t really anticipate.
Starting music college
I drove home on Thursday 27th August in preparation for my new start. I was going to spend the week helping Colleen and Nick decorate their new home as they had kindly let me live with them during my postgraduate. The first part of the week was spent peeling wallpaper off walls, painting ceilings and glossing skirting. Things were looking up until I received a phone call around 11:30pm on Sunday 30th that David had fallen off a 30 foot cliff as he walked home from seeing friends. I barely slept that night as I received updates over the phone. Thankfully he somehow avoided hitting his head or spine on the way down, but was going to need immediate surgery to put a metal rod through his right femur. His right femur was severely damaged and his right ankle had a minor break as well, but somehow his injuries were isolated to this one part of his body.
I felt shellshocked after it happened. I went back north as soon as I could and couldn’t believe how much pain he was in. Unable to walk, he slept downstairs and the physiotherapists came to the house to aid him to recovery. I left on the Sunday, beginning music college the next day and remember screaming on the M1 as I drove south. Whilst navigating my way through this half world of online teaching and in person sessions, I was also having to navigate work and driving three and a half hours each fortnight to go and see David as he was unable to travel for the first two months.
As David recovered, things became easier and as I became more acquainted with the way Trinity functioned, the more I got from it. Each day I felt grateful for the opportunity to study there and despite reservations about studying at a music college during a pandemic, what else would I do otherwise? The majority of my work dried up and the lack of performance opportunities meant that I was able to spend the majority of time in a practice room, fine tuning my technique. I was starting to meet my course mates (albeit at a distance) and make friends. Thankfully Lockdown vol. 2 didn’t affect our course too greatly, but I was unable to see David until I finished for the Christmas holidays.
Mum and Dad had finally moved to France and unable the risk of spending time in quarantine, I decided to spend Christmas with David and his Mum. It turns out that was a sensible call as Tier 4 was invented over night and travelling abroad was prohibited. Fortunately being in Tier 2 area (at that point) meant David’s sister and her boyfriend were able to celebrate with us, but with Robert and his girlfriend living in a tier 4 area, they were now no longer unable to attend. More disappointment after a year that can only be called disappointing. This was my first Christmas without Nan, my first Christmas spent away from my parents and I found myself unable to process any of it. This was a Christmas so unlike any Christmas I’ve ever had before… in some ways I wonder if losing Nan has even hit me yet because the pandemic has taken precedent over everything in our lives.
I imagine a lot of us have come out of this year with some reflections on our lives. What won’t we take for granted anymore? What won’t we do after this is all over? What will we do! My personal reflection of the year…
You cannot prevent what you cannot predict.
I never expected a global pandemic to reduce my work to almost nothing. I never expected to nearly lose my boyfriend when he’s only 25. I have always looked on the cautious side of life, thought about the things that might happen. What if!!! But… I didn’t predict one of the dreadful things that happened this year. In all of my worries, I never foresaw any of this, so why am I wasting so much precious time thinking like this?
Even now, we’ve just received news that the first three weeks of term will be delivered online and it is uncertain whether the buildings will be open during that time. I certainly didn’t see that coming either…
2020 - you’ve been memorable, but 2021, try to be less shit and stop trying to kill off my loved ones please.
Hoping for a healing 2021 to you and your family.
B x